EMERGENCE
BRAZA
I am Braza. My story is that of a young man struggling with his identity and his connection to himself and others, which manifested into a battle with obesity, depression, and suicide attempts. After some hard years, my love for nature and the outdoors ignited my desire to reconnect with myself and to continue living. I am sharing this story to empower others in similar circumstances not to give up, and to offer some hope and tools which pulled me out of the depths of my unhappiness.
Belo Horizonte (which means beautiful horizon) was a perfect place to grow up. Nestled in southeastern Brazil, it’s surrounded by mountains, lagoons, forest and wildlife, which makes it particularly special since it’s a big, bustling city. Growing up there definitely sparked my connection to nature from a young age, and as a kid I went camping all the time.
I’ve been the height I am now since I was 13 (I’m 23 now). I grew up early and stopped growing early.
From a very young age I was always taller and heavier than everyone else. I was bullied a lot for my appearance at school and it had a really big impact on me, and created a sort of void that I tried to fill with love, connection and validation from other people.
I grew up in a Christian household, and my dad worked a lot. My mother, who was more present in my life, always told me she would find a perfect woman for me, that I would find a princess for my castle, which I think kind of warped how I perceived and engaged with love and relationships at the time. In my teens I jumped from one infatuation to the next.
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I desperately wanted to feel seen and loved, and the more that this desire grew, the more it hurt when I didn’t receive it. After chasing countless unrequited connections, the way I looked at people changed, and I developed the mentality that I was not loveable.
Love felt more and more like a fairytale, like the princess in my mother’s stories - purely fictional. Superficial. Over time I felt like the world had betrayed me, and everything seemed to turn into black and white.
All I could think was ‘it is what it is’. I lost hope that I would find genuine, meaningful connections.
There’s a philosophical perspective along the lines of ‘true freedom comes from self-discipline and overcoming urges, not from indulging them’ - basically that we’re slaves to our own urges - and at that time, this mindset took over my mind, along with anger and bitterness at the world. I started taking it out on myself, and became very judgemental and critical of myself in my loneliness. I decided I had to be the best, and to grow up fast. As a result, I started working at 14.
In Brazil you can go to school in the morning and work in the afternoon at that age, and even though I physically went to school, mentally I wasn’t really there. I started hanging out with people who were a lot older than me. With my very impressionable 14 year old mind, I started making reckless decisions. I started drinking and using drugs and smoking.
I started falling into a really dark place, and losing grip of the things that were important to me. I stopped seeing the beauty in the small things, and stopped being connected to nature and to people. I became numb.
I lied to myself about craving connection and love - the things that had been so important to me before - I convinced myself I didn’t need it anymore.
Years passed and at 17 I dropped out of school completely to work full time. Legally you could only drop out at 18, but I was allowed to work for my uncle in his company. The money I made there continued to fuel my substance abuse.
All the time that I wasn’t at work, was spent getting drunk or high. I lost grip of what I wanted for my future and lived one moment to the next, barely holding on, and endlessly battling with my weight.
One day it all came crashing down. I was at work picking up some things in the corridor, and I collapsed. Three days later my uncle confronted me about it and insisted that I take time off - he had seen the footage from a security camera.
At that time I thought it was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me.
Suddenly I had no money and lots of free time to let my thoughts consume me. I had to give my dog to another family because I had no money to buy food for her anymore, and I reached a whole new low.
I tried to take my own life three times.
I tried cutting myself. I tried taking two months of antidepressants at once, and I tried to hang myself. My father found me each time.
After that, my parents wanted to put me in a clinic, but I told them that if they put me in there, I would never stop trying to end my life. So they let me stay at home. I did actually stop the suicide attempts, but I had no hope anymore and no motivation to do anything else in my life.
For a whole year I stayed in my bedroom, playing games online and sleeping 15 hours a day.
My 18th birthday came and went.
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​The feeling reminds me of being alone in a pool - like I was suspended under water. All of my senses were numbed and I didn’t feel anything anymore.
After a year of that, I slowly started becoming aware of what little things I could see outside my bedroom window.
Kids passing by, a little bird, the monkeys hanging from the light cables.
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Our doctor came to our place to check on me and he gave me a new medicine called Ozempic. The effects are very uncomfortable. It gave me nausea and acid reflux, and it stopped me from wanting to eat. Even though it’s so unpleasant, it did really help me.
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And then one day I did it. I took a deep breath, hyped myself up, and took a step outside. I began by walking along my own street. Just once at first, and then a little more each time.
Walking in combination with the medication helped me to lose 8kg pretty early on, and that’s when I decided to go camping.
Camping was what I loved doing most before, but I had never done it alone. Even so, I didn’t feel any desire to go with anyone but myself. I wanted to be fully submerged in the experience and take it all in for myself.
I arrived in the jungle and built my campsite near a waterfall, set up my tent and found logs to build the fire.
That night I thought ‘damn it’s so good to be here again - to be outside again’. I realised how happy I was to be grateful. Being grateful made me really happy.
As you can imagine there’s not much to do in the middle of the jungle, and that’s when I started looking into the smaller things. This is when the real work began. I was suddenly hit with the thought ‘I can’t go back’. Then I asked myself ‘why don’t I want to go back?’
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Just like this I continued. Why am I sad at home? Because I am not happy with who I am. Why am I not happy with who I am? Because I look in the mirror and I don’t like myself. I continued with these questions and got to the core of it all.
I realised how being obese for so many years of my youth had made me place an unhealthy amount of value and attention on how I look, and in this process I became aware of how desperate I had become for connection, and how deprived of it I had become.
My worst nightmares had manifested into reality, through the process of fearing them.
Only when surrounded by people did I feel reassured that I was actually liked, and the intensity of that need lead to so much disappointment every time it wasn’t fulfilled. What I did out of fear and trying to avoid my feelings: numbing myself and isolating, were the exact things fuelling and bringing to life my worst fears.
In that forest, I started accepting these parts of me, and developing a deeper understanding and empathy for myself. The realisations I had filled me with so much peace, and drastically reduced my self criticism: is perusing a nicer body a bad thing? No, unless it’s taken to the extreme. Is it bad to want to see your friends a lot? No, unless you never spend any time alone.
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I chose to understand my trauma without judging myself for it. I acknowledged and came to terms with the fact that it would probably be part of me, my story, and who I am for the rest of my life, and that was grounding for me.
After that night by the waterfall I wanted to see more of the world. It changed even small things about me - it made me listen to other kinds of music, read books, be curious about different stories and perspectives. I stopped wearing only black clothes. I became more caring and loving with my family.
A couple of years later when I turned 20 I moved to Lisbon. I fell in love with Portugal as soon as I arrived and have been building my life here ever since.
My relationship with my family has bloomed. In the past I always felt that they didn’t understand what I was going through, and I often got disappointed when I expected help in a specific way and didn’t receive it.
With time I realised it’s not because they didn’t care, it was because they didn’t know how.
As soon as I became more present, everything changed.
Of course I still have sad moments like everyone does. I get triggered by work, money and love, but never for the same reasons and to the same extent as four years ago.
These days I would describe myself as a walking metamorphosis. I’m always learning and discovering new things about myself, and it’s a process that will never stop.
There are some things that I believe are permanent in me now, for example that I am very loyal and protective of the people I choose to have around me - friendships and connections have taken on a whole new meaning to me. Now I am someone who loves to learn and experience and above all I am someone who appreciates the simple things in everyday life and who feels grateful and fulfilled by them.
My advice to others in a similar place would be to get to know yourself, and let go of things that are not in your control. If you understand, trust and love yourself, everything in your life will be more clear and peaceful. Letting go of things that are not in your control will reduce stress and anxiety and ultimately lead to inner peace.
Those two things are complementary: only in knowing yourself, will you know what is within your control, and only in knowing what is within your control, will you know exactly how to achieve your goals.
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Braza in his teen years.
Text, Photography & Direction: Mia C.
Story Contributor & Collaborator: Pedro X. (Braza)